finally a dream. we’re in the city, in the street, standing near a bus that’s letting people out and onto it. you’re initially wearing a brown suit, but then you’re wearing brown khakis and a loose polo pullover with a zipper. your hair isn’t short like it’s always been in recent years, but chin length, a mop of hair. I ask if I can give you a hug. you don’t answer, but I hug you anyway and start to cry. I know the moment can’t last, and I know this is some sort of glitch, that a mistake has been made and that soon you’ll be taken away from me again once the glitch is realized, so I hold onto you, crying, wondering what I did to deserve this moment. then I remember that at the start of may two years ago, I had a dream that foreshadowed your death, which I never told you about. now is not the time to tell you about that dream though. the only things I want to tell you are that I’ve taken on the allergies you had throughout your life and that every single time I sneeze I feel you sneezing through me. for some reason I think you’ll find this funny. but there isn’t time to tell you. we don’t talk, I just hold onto you until I wake up.
how to get by – don’t think, don’t look through photo albums, don’t go anywhere or do anything, cause trouble, fuck around on your boyfriend, be mean to your mom, ignore the sibling that is still alive, obsess about nothing, don’t clean, drive around as much as possible, work , work and work some more, stop talking about the person you miss, stop talking about anyone, lay around in bed with someone who doesn’t care about you at all, stop reading, stop listening to music, stop eating, stop being encouraged by the weather, feel nothing when you look up at the sky – this no longer feels like getting by.
i bowled the worst game of my life in the lane beside purling hiss yesterday, then watched them play an amazingly energetic set a foot from my face in front of maybe ten other people, giving it their all regardless, and it was beyond awesome. turning 39 this week doesn’t seem so horrible afterall now. thanks purling hiss.